For My Friend, Sharon-

The last few weeks have been tough.  I have struggled with even being able to put words to it.  A friend of mine and former co-worker, Sharon Boswell, lost her son in a tragic car accident.  While I didn't know Trevor well, I had the chance to visit with him on occasion at Dillons, and recently had the privilege of interviewing him for the Fell Foundation Scholarship.  I can honestly say, I don't remember ever seeing Trevor without a smile.  During his interview, I was very impressed with how hard working, well spoken, and focused he was for an 18 year old.  He had been working at Dillons 30-40 hours a week, and was still able to maintain his school work.  The morning of his accident, he had worked late at the Dillons here in town.  Trevor had very little sleep, and was headed to Hays where he was going to work at the Dillons up there.  He fell asleep, and had a head on accident.  He had just graduated high school a week earlier. 

Hearing of Sharon losing her son shook me very deeply. Everyone always says, "I could not imagine what you're going through."  But if you have had to do the unthinkable yourself, seeing someone else having to bury their child is horrific.  I replayed a lot of emotions and events of the last three years, and it absolutely tears me up to know that is the road she must now go down.  The last thing I want to do is to make it any harder on her than it already is (if that is even possible).  But, it has been on my heavy heart so much the last three weeks.  I know people grieve differently, but if any of my horrible experience could possibly help her get through the days/weeks/months ahead, I feel it well worth it.

This isn't a well organized, edited post.  Just speaking from my heart.  Sharon, I hope you find something here that helps you. 

I can remember when I was angry, and I kept trying to ignore the anger.  That only worked so long.  It took me quite a while to figure out that I needed to feel and deal with all the different emotions (and there is such a wide range).  There is no right or wrong way to feel.  I can remember crying one day, and being angry the next.  And that was okay.

Speaking of anger.... I can remember being angry at God.  Many people may think that isn't very Christian, but there was anger there.  I yelled at Him on more than one occasion, and was a little embarrassed about it, but I realize that it is okay.  God can handle it.  Just as long as I never turned away from Him, because He provided comfort and peace that can ONLY be found in Him.  One of my turning points was realizing that God fully understands my pain.  He lost His son.  Actually, He willingly gave His son because He loved us so much.  What an incredible love that is. 

I can remember there being days that I wondered how I was going to make it through all of this.  I learned to take it day by day.  At times that even seemed overwhelming.  Somedays were just taking it minute by minute.  There was strength there that I never realized possible, and I know that it was not found in myself, but through my faith. 

Jealousy was very difficult for me. There were times that I was insanely jealous of people taking home their full term, healthy twins.   However, over time, it was just one more emotion to work through.

I can remember seeing people for the first time since losing Natalie. Some people said the absolute worst things.  I sometimes had to bite my tongue, but realized they just didn't know what to say.  Everyone has the best of intentions, but it is sometimes hard for them to express it. 

The question of "Why"?  I wish I had some amazing explanation of why.  Although I will never know why (at least not in this life), I have been able to find some peace.  It has taken some time, but it has happened. 

Most people don't mention Natalie's name.  I'm not sure if they think that if they don't talk about her I won't think about her or won't hurt.  I still think of her daily.  I still hurt.  What would hurt me the most, is people forgetting about her. 

While I will never say time heals everything, it helps you learn how to find a new normal.  My heart will never be whole again.  But Natalie wouldn't want me to be miserable my entire life.  While I would do anything to bring her back, I know that isn't possible.  However, I still have two amazing children that need a happy mother.  I have to find that fine balance of keeping her memory alive, but investing myself in the living that are still here. 

My dear friend, I hope you know I have been thinking of you constantly.  I am so deeply sorry that you are now a part of this group.  Please know I am always here for you.  Sending you prayers and love.