Talking with Marleigh about when she and Natalie were born.

A couple of nights ago, Marleigh and I were talking about how it was almost Kade's birthday.  I asked her if she remembers when he was born and when we brought him home.  She then started asking me questions about when she was born. 

I decided that this was as good as time as any to show her pictures from when she was born.  I made sure to tell her that all the tubes and wires were there to help her, because she was a very tiny, sick baby.  The last thing I wanted to do was upset her.  She studied each one of them very carefully.  I asked her if they upset or bothered her, and she said, "No, Mommy.  They are just pictures of me, and I was a very sick baby." 

I also got out the book of Natalie's pictures.  I explained to her that Mommy had two babies.  Both her and her twin sister, Natalie, were born incredibly small, and were sick.  I was trying to think of the best way to explain to her about Natalie.  But then she turned to me and said, "But I got better, and Natalie is with God, now.  I think I would like to visit God and Natalie."  I squeezed her a little tighter, and we finished looking through the photo albums. 

Here I had been so concerned about how to explain to her about where Natalie is, and she already knows.  Thank you, God. You knew I was struggling with finding the right words.  Instead of me finding the right words, You put them in her heart.  Granted, I'm not sure she fully understands everything, but she's got the main part.  Her sister is with God.  For right now, that is enough. 

Our garden

I have a really bad history of killing any houseplant that I have ever owned.  Either I water it too much, or not enough.  I chalked it up to just not having a green thumb.  A couple of months ago, Marleigh and I decided we wanted to have a garden this summer.  Marc was apprehensive given my track record with plants.  I can't say that I blame him!  However, if Marleigh wanted a garden, I was going to at least attempt it.  We had a spot in the backyard with some nasty, half dead bushes.  Marc and I (okay, mostly Marc) cut them out and cleaned up the roots.  Marleigh and I had a shopping trip to pick out our plants.  We agreed on Tomatoes, Jalepenos, Strawberries, and Cucumbers.  I thought with it being our first year, we wouldn't go too crazy.  I am happy to say, our garden looks great!  I have finally found my green thumb! 



Our Tomatoes are out of control!



I've already picked our first batch of Jalepenos.  They made some delicious Jalepeno Poppers!

Our little garden. I'm sure we'll go bigger next summer.  Need to add some cantelope and sweet corn!

After planting our garden, Marc noticed that 2 sunflowers were growing nearby.  Our neighbor has a bird feeder, and a couple of the sunflower seeds must have found their way into our yard.  Marleigh LOVES sunflowers, so Daddy has been mowing around them.  They are now taller then I am, and Marleigh adores them. 

And where were the kids while Mommy was taking all these pictures?  I thought you'd never ask! 

They were staying cool in their pools! 

(You knew I had to include pics of them, right?!?)

Lake bums!

I forgot to take my camera on the boat, so just got a couple of beach pics.  Love my little water babies!  :)

Daddy's about to get a bucket of water dumped on him. 



 

I officially retire.....

Remember how I said I can be a bit idealistic and plan all these days or trips?  Well, I did it again.  This past weekend. 

My cousin's little girl, Breckyn, turned 1 on Saturday.  Her party was at 2:00, then we were headed to the lake to meet up with my family.  I was trying to plan out our time, Kade's nap, make sure we had everything we would need, trying to plan the "perfect" weekend, etc.  I ended up getting all stressed out. 

I didn't even realize I was doing it again.  Trying to be "Super Mom"  as Marc calls it.  Worrying way too much about every little detail and getting all stressed out, for nothing, really.  Setting unrealistic goals and expectations.  Unfortunately, as I said, I didn't realize I was in "Super Mom" mode.  I was short all day with Marc on Saturday.  I snapped at him on more than one occasion. 

We got to the lake around 4:30, and I was still pretty uptight.  We met up with my parents, and my sister and her family.  We were out on the boats, and found a nice area to swim.  I started to worry that Kade wouldn't like it, which made me nervous.  I was convinced I would just sit on the boat with him.  Marc asked for Kade, then they got into the lake.  Kade fussed for just a little bit, and then was fine, splashing around.  My worries were unfounded.  Marleigh and my 4 year old nephew, Luke, had a ball.  They talked about Marleigh tubing with him the next day.  Of course, "Super Mom"  was worried about her falling off or her getting scared. I just didn't think it was that good of an idea.

At this point I was still oblivious to the fact that I was being "Super Mom".

We had a nice, relaxing evening.  The kids all played together.  Marleigh and Luke have such a good time together.  Luke LOVES babies, so he pays attention to Kade, which Kade just eats up.  Kade love babies that are smaller than he is, so he was all about my 7 month old niece, Zoey. 

We got up Sunday morning, and I started trying to figure out what was going to be the best "plan"  for the day.  When to do what.  I was worrying about things that are just ridiculous.  Around 10:00am we headed out for a boat ride.  Marc was gracious enough to stay in the camper with Kade, because he was going to be needing a nap.

Around 11:45, we ran into my sister's family.  They asked if Marleigh wanted a tube ride.  She was so excited, she about jumped right out of the boat and into theirs.  Apprehensive, I said she could go.  My sister said she and Luke would ride with her.  I thought it was a much better idea than me going with her.  If for some reason, she did fall off, I am pretty sure that I would freak out.

With my brother in law driving, Shannon, Luke, and Marleigh got out on the tube.  Marleigh was a bit timid at first, but warmed right up.  She was smiling and having the time of her life.  That is when it hit me:  She's fine.  She's a normal, healthy  3 year old that is having a ball.  Something about seeing her out there, got me teary eyed.  I just sat there and marveled at God's incredible goodness.  What a special and perfect gift that little girl is. 

Why had I gotten myself so worried and stressed out the day before?  If she fell off, it would be okay.  I have got to let her experience things, and stop with the incessant need to protect her from everything.  I thought I had been getting better about worrying, but apparently not.   THIS (Marleigh being so happy and making memories) was my ultimate goal, and it was happening right in front of my eyes.  All the planning and worrying the day before, didn't matter.  All it did was make me uptight and a person that I don't really care to be. 

When we got back to the campsite, I knew I owed my husband an apology.  Not that it makes up for snapping at him, but at least he knew that I knew I was wrong.  I am just lucky to be married to such a forgiving man. 

After naps yesterday, we went to a nice sandy beach and everyone had fun.  We had water guns, sand toys, floaties, all the necessities.  It was indeed, the perfect day.  Marleigh asked if we could just stay at the lake forever.  I asked her what her favorite  part of the lake was and she said, "The tube ride!  It was awesome!" 

So, I now can say, I officially retire as "Super Mom".  Or at least I am really going to try to.  I know it won't be easy, but I don't want to be that Mom that gets so easily stressed.  Not everything has to be so planned out.  Sometimes, the most perfect days, are the ones we don't plan at all. 

More pictures and a new niece!

Wheat Harvest 2012 wrapped up this past Saturday.  But not before we went out to the field a few more times to ride with Daddy.  We actually got to ride in the semi and haul a load of wheat to town.  Daddy had some pretty excited passengers!

Marleigh loved the sleeper.  And when Daddy honked the loud horn. 

What a great place to play! 

Kade thought driving was cool! 

Waiting on a load with Dad.

Marleigh with her "Cheeeeeese!"  face.

Since Daddy was putting in long hours, we asked Aunt Myra to come visit for a few days.  It is always great to have her here. 

We went to the "big pool"  as Marleigh calls it.  It was freezing!  Kade wasn't too sure about it in the beginning, probably because it was so cold, but he did okay.  Marleigh and Aunt Myra had a great time.  When Marleigh's teeth were chattering, we decided it was time to go home. 

One day we got out Kade's little pool in the back yard and Marleigh ran through the "sprink-le-er".  According to Marleigh, it is a three syllable word.  I ask her to say it all the time because I love to hear her say it! 

Kade's face is priceless.  He loves anytime that his big sister pays attention to him!

Trying to make an escape!

Marleigh and her Aunt Myra

The kids always enjoy seeing their aunts.  We just need to get all the rest of them to come visit!  ;)  1 down, 5 to go!!! 

~~~

We are so thrilled that our newest niece, Emersyn Louise, arrived last week.  She is a beautiful, healthy little girl.  We can't wait to meet her and love on her!  Congratulations to Megan, Matt, and Brinley!  Love you guys!

For My Friend, Sharon-

The last few weeks have been tough.  I have struggled with even being able to put words to it.  A friend of mine and former co-worker, Sharon Boswell, lost her son in a tragic car accident.  While I didn't know Trevor well, I had the chance to visit with him on occasion at Dillons, and recently had the privilege of interviewing him for the Fell Foundation Scholarship.  I can honestly say, I don't remember ever seeing Trevor without a smile.  During his interview, I was very impressed with how hard working, well spoken, and focused he was for an 18 year old.  He had been working at Dillons 30-40 hours a week, and was still able to maintain his school work.  The morning of his accident, he had worked late at the Dillons here in town.  Trevor had very little sleep, and was headed to Hays where he was going to work at the Dillons up there.  He fell asleep, and had a head on accident.  He had just graduated high school a week earlier. 

Hearing of Sharon losing her son shook me very deeply. Everyone always says, "I could not imagine what you're going through."  But if you have had to do the unthinkable yourself, seeing someone else having to bury their child is horrific.  I replayed a lot of emotions and events of the last three years, and it absolutely tears me up to know that is the road she must now go down.  The last thing I want to do is to make it any harder on her than it already is (if that is even possible).  But, it has been on my heavy heart so much the last three weeks.  I know people grieve differently, but if any of my horrible experience could possibly help her get through the days/weeks/months ahead, I feel it well worth it.

This isn't a well organized, edited post.  Just speaking from my heart.  Sharon, I hope you find something here that helps you. 

I can remember when I was angry, and I kept trying to ignore the anger.  That only worked so long.  It took me quite a while to figure out that I needed to feel and deal with all the different emotions (and there is such a wide range).  There is no right or wrong way to feel.  I can remember crying one day, and being angry the next.  And that was okay.

Speaking of anger.... I can remember being angry at God.  Many people may think that isn't very Christian, but there was anger there.  I yelled at Him on more than one occasion, and was a little embarrassed about it, but I realize that it is okay.  God can handle it.  Just as long as I never turned away from Him, because He provided comfort and peace that can ONLY be found in Him.  One of my turning points was realizing that God fully understands my pain.  He lost His son.  Actually, He willingly gave His son because He loved us so much.  What an incredible love that is. 

I can remember there being days that I wondered how I was going to make it through all of this.  I learned to take it day by day.  At times that even seemed overwhelming.  Somedays were just taking it minute by minute.  There was strength there that I never realized possible, and I know that it was not found in myself, but through my faith. 

Jealousy was very difficult for me. There were times that I was insanely jealous of people taking home their full term, healthy twins.   However, over time, it was just one more emotion to work through.

I can remember seeing people for the first time since losing Natalie. Some people said the absolute worst things.  I sometimes had to bite my tongue, but realized they just didn't know what to say.  Everyone has the best of intentions, but it is sometimes hard for them to express it. 

The question of "Why"?  I wish I had some amazing explanation of why.  Although I will never know why (at least not in this life), I have been able to find some peace.  It has taken some time, but it has happened. 

Most people don't mention Natalie's name.  I'm not sure if they think that if they don't talk about her I won't think about her or won't hurt.  I still think of her daily.  I still hurt.  What would hurt me the most, is people forgetting about her. 

While I will never say time heals everything, it helps you learn how to find a new normal.  My heart will never be whole again.  But Natalie wouldn't want me to be miserable my entire life.  While I would do anything to bring her back, I know that isn't possible.  However, I still have two amazing children that need a happy mother.  I have to find that fine balance of keeping her memory alive, but investing myself in the living that are still here. 

My dear friend, I hope you know I have been thinking of you constantly.  I am so deeply sorry that you are now a part of this group.  Please know I am always here for you.  Sending you prayers and love. 

I know there hasn't been much in the way of actual posts around here lately. I am sorry. I have been in a bit of a funk. I'll post more about that later, I promise. But I just couldn't resist sharing more pictures.



Marleigh sitting on the tool box watching the wheat feed into the header.  I can remember doing this for hour upon hour growing up!

 

Sitting on the floor of the tractor while Daddy plants soybeans.

Planting soybeans.

Family picture while planting beans.  Marleigh was quick to remind us that the last time we were all with Daddy when he was planting was last year when Mommy was pregnant with Kade. 

Playing at Gigi's house.  Marleigh was one of the three bears from "Goldilocks and the Three Bears".

Marleigh as Goldilocks.  I think she makes a much better Goldilocks. 

Bubba makes a better bear!  :)