Green was not a good color on me.

This is a brutally honest post. I am not at all proud of some of things I have felt or thought. I am actually utterly embarrassed, so please don't chastise me.

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I can remember shortly after the girls were born. We'd be heading up to the NICU and we would cross paths with a new mother and her baby being discharged. They were so happy. Oblivious to anything except for the immense joy of that little tiny person that they were taking home. Experiencing the most pure love and being blissfully ignorant. Almost automatically, I would feel insanely jealous. I would have given anything to be able to take the girls home with me when I was released from the hospital. I would LOVE to have that ignorance and think everything was always just roses when a baby was born. Instead, I had to leave my poor, tiny little babies every night. My sweet children were fighting for their lives.

As Natalie was so sick, I can actually remember thinking, "why can't this be happening to one of the other babies in here, that no one ever comes to see? Natalie is SO loved and wanted. Why our little girl?"

For the longest time (ever since losing Natalie), I have had a very hard time hearing about twins or seeing twins. Of course I was happy for whomever it was, but many times, it resulted in instant tears. I would wonder if the parents knew how incredibly lucky they were? Did they appreciate the amazing miracles they had been given? Sometimes, the most random of thoughts would run through my mind. For example: I will never have a picture with both of my children in it. Or, Natalie never got to feel the sunshine on her face. I long to be able to hold both of my girls in my arms, to have them both here. I know in my heart, that Natalie is in a far better place now. She had a very special purpose in her short life, but God needed an extra special angel in heaven.

I was consumed with jealousy.

A few weeks ago, I was having an especially bad day. I was crying to God. I was asking "why me?" Then I started thinking. Why not me? I am no better than anyone else on this Earth. How incredibly arrogant to ask, why me? Bad things happen all the time to good people. It is not some form of punishment from God. Do I stop every time a good thing happens in my life and ask, "why me?" No, I just thank God for my blessings and leave it at that. I don't necessarily "deserve" every wonderful blessing that I have been given and I don't question that, so why would I question the bad?

In my conversation with God that day, I found myself trying to explain to Him how I felt. How much my heart hurt. I then realized how blind I had been. How dare I think that God doesn't know my deepest emotion? He knows my every thought before it is spoken. I then became so very ashamed of some of the things that passed through my mind.

I also had a revelation. I had begged, prayed, asked God to take me instead of Natalie. I had tried EVERYTHING in my power to keep my little girl here on Earth. I was so mad for a while. He couldn't comprehend the hell on Earth I was living. Only, He does understand. Furthermore, He willingly gave His son because He loved me so much. What an awesome love that is. How foolish I had been. He understands better than anyone.

I am so lucky that our God is so tolerant and forgiving. I am thankful that I can ask for His forgiveness and it is granted. I still ache deep in my heart for Natalie, but that's all it is now. No more jealousy, no more anger. I don't ever want to return to that jealous person. Green was not a good color on me.

Smart little girl!

I know that I am totally biased, but I can't help but think that Marleigh is the smartest little girl in the entire world! It seems like everyday, she learns more.

Marleigh now knows several of her shapes including: circle, rectangle, triangle, and circle! :) She can point them out and call them by name. She is also consistently counting to 4. On a rare occasions, higher, but most of the time its 1-2-3-4-6. Not sure what happened to 5! She knows the colors yellow, pink, and purple. (Pretty sure Daddy taught her purple!) We've been singing our ABC's a lot lately, as well. I'll say a few then pause, and most of the time, she'll tell me what comes next. My favorite is after I say "Z", she sings, "now I know". She can visually recognize the letter "M". Athough when she says "M", it is always, "Mmmmmmm".

I am also proud of the way she follows directions. Most of the time, whatever we tell her, she does. She is even able to follow some 2-step directions. I've learned that as long as I tell her what is going on, she is fine. If I don't explain why we're doing something she gets upset, but if I talk to her like a big girl, all is well. For example, she isn't real fond of changing clothes. She doesn't throw a fit, but just doesn't really care for it. The other night she was running from me because I was trying to change her clothes. When I told her that she could take a bath as soon as we got her clothes off, she quit running and laid down to take her clothes off. She LOVES bathtime!

Oh, and did I mention teeth 5,6,7,8,9, & 10 are peaking out? It is crazy! We waited 10 long months for teeth 3&4, and she has now gotten 6 in the last 2 weeks! Amazingly, Marleigh has still been pretty happy. We're just lucky to have such a good girl!

Halloween

Sweet little Lady Bug

Happy with Papa

Daddy was just getting home from the KSU game.

All wore out from all the fun.

Eye Check up

I'm so behind....

Monday of last week Marleigh had an eye appointment in Wichita. The doctor looks into her eyes and can somehow tell whether she is near sighted, far sighted, etc. We got some bad news. Marleigh's right eye is over twice as near sighted as her left eye. She is going to need glasses at some point in the future. As of right now, her eyes aren't crossing, and it doesn't appear that she is straining to see. However, the doctor is worried that her right eye will become weak, and as she grows and develops, she would rely more on her left eye. That would put her at risk of developing some learning disabilites. He is hoping she can go at least another year or two before she will need glasses, but if her eyes start to cross, we notice her straining to see, or think it is affecting her development, we'll have to put them on her.

I know we are so incredibly blessed by this amazing little girl, but I couldn't help but cry as he was telling me that she was going to need glasses. I don't know if it is because I still feel guilty or exactly why I was so upset. When I stop to think logically, this is so minor compared to some of the problems she could have.

I've been praying that either the doctor was somehow wrong about her eyes or that the Lord will help her vision to improve. We go back in 6 months for another check up. I am believing that when we go back, her eyes will be better!

18 month pics

Just a few of my favorites. Brooke Jantz was the photographer and she was AMAZING! I highly recommend her. Marleigh was actually very grouchy this day. I was astonished by the number of great shots Brooke was able to get.

Natalie's Night

Natalie's Night at Wendy's was a huge success! I was told they normally do around $300-$400 from 5:00 to 8:00. They did almost $1300 on Tuesday night. Jason Toll said that the check will be for $250. Thanks again to Jason for allowing us to do this and for everyone who ate at Wendy's.

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I am the eternal optomist. I believe that the majority of people are good, kind, and honest. Well, apparently that is very naive on my part. We had a donation jar set up at Wendy's from Friday of last week until Wednesday. I know for a fact that there was at least $85 in it (that is just what our family had put in). When I went to pick up the jar there was only $9. I was crushed. I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. If someone needed money that badly that they had to steal from charity.... I guess I should pray for whoever it was.

To everyone that put money in the donation jar, I am truly sorry that someone robbed you of the opportunity to contribute to such a special project.

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I'm still taking donations through the end of the month. My initial goal (remember, I'm the eternal optomist) was $5000. I am very pleased to say that we now have raised $2800 in memory of Natalie. If there were only words to explain just how much this means to us and how lucky we feel to have such great friends and family.

Thank you.

Natalie's Night at Wendy's

Natalie's Night

at Wendy’s



Tuesday, October 12
5:00-8:00

Great food for a great cause!

20% of all proceeds will go to the Splash Pad in memory of Natalie Johnson.

I couldn't get the flyer uploaded, so that is the basic information. Jason Toll (our local Wendy's owner) has been very generous and allowed us to have a special night to raise money for a great cause. If you see Jason, please let him know how much he is appreciated for all he does for our community.

I am in the last major push to raise money in Natalie's memory. So far, we have about $2000.

We are so very grateful to all who have donated.