Green was not a good color on me.

This is a brutally honest post. I am not at all proud of some of things I have felt or thought. I am actually utterly embarrassed, so please don't chastise me.

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I can remember shortly after the girls were born. We'd be heading up to the NICU and we would cross paths with a new mother and her baby being discharged. They were so happy. Oblivious to anything except for the immense joy of that little tiny person that they were taking home. Experiencing the most pure love and being blissfully ignorant. Almost automatically, I would feel insanely jealous. I would have given anything to be able to take the girls home with me when I was released from the hospital. I would LOVE to have that ignorance and think everything was always just roses when a baby was born. Instead, I had to leave my poor, tiny little babies every night. My sweet children were fighting for their lives.

As Natalie was so sick, I can actually remember thinking, "why can't this be happening to one of the other babies in here, that no one ever comes to see? Natalie is SO loved and wanted. Why our little girl?"

For the longest time (ever since losing Natalie), I have had a very hard time hearing about twins or seeing twins. Of course I was happy for whomever it was, but many times, it resulted in instant tears. I would wonder if the parents knew how incredibly lucky they were? Did they appreciate the amazing miracles they had been given? Sometimes, the most random of thoughts would run through my mind. For example: I will never have a picture with both of my children in it. Or, Natalie never got to feel the sunshine on her face. I long to be able to hold both of my girls in my arms, to have them both here. I know in my heart, that Natalie is in a far better place now. She had a very special purpose in her short life, but God needed an extra special angel in heaven.

I was consumed with jealousy.

A few weeks ago, I was having an especially bad day. I was crying to God. I was asking "why me?" Then I started thinking. Why not me? I am no better than anyone else on this Earth. How incredibly arrogant to ask, why me? Bad things happen all the time to good people. It is not some form of punishment from God. Do I stop every time a good thing happens in my life and ask, "why me?" No, I just thank God for my blessings and leave it at that. I don't necessarily "deserve" every wonderful blessing that I have been given and I don't question that, so why would I question the bad?

In my conversation with God that day, I found myself trying to explain to Him how I felt. How much my heart hurt. I then realized how blind I had been. How dare I think that God doesn't know my deepest emotion? He knows my every thought before it is spoken. I then became so very ashamed of some of the things that passed through my mind.

I also had a revelation. I had begged, prayed, asked God to take me instead of Natalie. I had tried EVERYTHING in my power to keep my little girl here on Earth. I was so mad for a while. He couldn't comprehend the hell on Earth I was living. Only, He does understand. Furthermore, He willingly gave His son because He loved me so much. What an awesome love that is. How foolish I had been. He understands better than anyone.

I am so lucky that our God is so tolerant and forgiving. I am thankful that I can ask for His forgiveness and it is granted. I still ache deep in my heart for Natalie, but that's all it is now. No more jealousy, no more anger. I don't ever want to return to that jealous person. Green was not a good color on me.