4 Years

4 years.  Wow.  That seems like such a long time, but then again, it seems like only yesterday that we still had our sweet Natalie here on Earth with us.

4 years.  A lot happens in the span of 4 years.  4 years can bring about so much change in the life of an adult, let alone a child.  Thinking about the first 4 years of life for a baby, and how much they learn and change, I can't help but wonder what Natalie would be doing now, what she would look like, and what kind of personality she would have.

4 years.  There is a lot of healing and comforting that can take place in 4 years.  Whenever you feel such sudden devastation, the initial shock sets a roller coaster of emotions into motion.  While I would love to say that I reacted with pure grace and as a faithful child of God, that just wasn't the case.  There was a lot of anger, resentment, and jealousy.  But, time has helped me to work through some of those ugly feelings.

4 years.  4 years of waking up each morning with a part of myself missing.  Longing everyday to be able to hold my precious girl.  While time has helped me move past the anger, it will never fill the void in my heart.  That is one thing that has not changed in 4 years, and I know never will.

4 years.  4 years spent praying, seeking God's comfort.  It truly is miraculous, to feel a sense of peace and calm after losing a child.  Going through life's darkest valley makes you cling to God when you don't feel you have the strength to make it.  It facilitates such a deep, raw, intimate relationship with God.

4 years.  4 years of surviving, and realizing that I will be okay.  The morning after we lost Natalie, I so clearly remember thinking, "How am I going to get up and walk right back into the very same NICU, and sit right next to the spot that I held my daughter when she became an angel?"  But, sometimes, there are miracles and blessings that make you stop focusing on the hurt and anger.  Sometimes, there are things that push us out of the depths of despair.  That first day, it was knowing that Marleigh needed me.  She was my saving grace.  And now, there are 2 little miracles that God has given me.  There are times when the ache deep in my heart still seems to engulf me.  When it seems so easy to wallow in self pity and sadness,  but I usually don't linger too long in the darkness.  I have comfort from our redeemer, and joy in the form of 2 very special children.