Monday, October 24, 2011

 I tend to be an open book.  Maybe I share a little too much.  Maybe that's why I blog.  I feel that since I share all the good stuff, that it is only right that I share some of the not so good stuff, so here goes.

A few weeks ago, both Marc and my Mom noticed that I just hadn't quite been myself lately.  Within a day of each other (and both without the other one knowing), they came to me worried I might be suffering with some postpartum depression.   I knew I had been a little stressed, but I guess I hadn't noticed the magnitude.  Granted, I wasn't crying all the time or anything, but I was on edge. 

It all began when Marleigh was having such a rough time coping with having a new baby brother, and sharing Mommy and Daddy.  Knowing how unhappy she was, ate me alive.  After everything she has gone through, all I ever want is for her to be happy and healthy.  And she wasn't.   It seemed to be all my fault, because I wasn't able to give her all the attention she was so desperately wanting.  No matter what I tried, I couldn't fix it. 

Then, all of the sudden, Kade became colicky.  I don't think I need to explain the stress of having a baby scream for hours on end. 

We figured out that Kade wasn't handling breast milk well, and we would need to switch to formula.  I know it sounds silly, but it was a huge disappointment for me.  Nursing is such a special thing between a mother and her baby. 

I started back to work, and felt the guilt, that I'm sure all working mothers do.  Eventhough I only work parttime, I still felt like I wasn't spending as much time with my children as I should.

I am an accountant and a financial advisor.  I deal with numbers and money.  We do just fine, but my nature is to budget, worry, and over analyze when it comes to money.  Having two kids in daycare, the added cost of formula..... it was making me a little nervous. 

I have never been a neat freak, but it seemed that by the time I worked, spent every waking minute with the kids, that I just could not get caught up on the house, and I hated that. 

Marc and I have discussed it, and we are pretty sure that we are now done having children.  Again, it will probably sound very funny to most people, but the thought of never feeling a baby kick again is a little tough.  I LOVED most every minute of being pregnant.  It is a little sad to think that I will never experience that again.  Don't get me wrong.... I am so thankful that I did experience it and for the three children I have been blessed with. 

Then there was the fact that I have two healthy, beautiful, growing children.  I should be the happiest mama on earth.  I love them more than anything, so what the heck is wrong with me that I am so stressed out?!?

All of this added up to me feeling a little stressed/cranky/edgy.  I had chalked it up to nothing more than that.  As I said before, I am an open book.... a bit of a talker.  I decided that maybe I should talk to my friend and our pastor, Pastor Ryan Webster.  He is a great guy.  He actually was a psychologist before entering the ministry. 

Pastor Ryan opened my eyes to some things.  My previous experiences with the girls being born premature, losing Natalie, being scared to death we would lose Marleigh, etc., has had a profound impact on being a parent for me. 

I have NEVER been overly cautious or overprotective (I've got a rap sheet from the ER a mile long), but I am now with my children....to a fault.  I want to protect them and shelter them.  Make sure they are ALWAYS safe and happy.  Well, guess, what.... ain't gonna happen.  Kids will get sick, they'll be unhappy at times, they'll fall off the slide.  That's part of life.  I can't shelter them from everything, no matter how much I try.

I love my kids so much.  I want Marleigh and Kade to have the perfect childhood and the perfect mother.   I have set an unrealistic expectation in my mind of what the "perfect mother"  is.  No matter what I try or what I do, I was NEVER going to measure up to the bar I had set for myself.  As Pastor Ryan said, "I was setting myself up to fail." 

I'm not sure if I would call it postpartum.  Maybe somewhat.  But I think more than anything it was post child loss.  Losing a child changes so many things.  It affects every facet of your life and who you are.  It affects your core belief system.  You will never get over it.  You will never go back to how things were before.  You have to learn a new normal.  It makes you fully realize that every minute you have with your children is the most precious gift. You lose the naivety of thinking you have all the time in the world. 

Things are getting better. I am trying to not be so hard on myself, and let the little things go. I'm going to stop wasting time worrying and just soak up every minute of my two precious babies.

2 comments:

  1. Sarah, I have a couple of things to say (and I enjoy reading your blog. I check it daily for updates.)
    1.) Major changing life events do just that--it changes one's life. Things never go back to the way it was before--NEVER.
    2.) Remember the definition of "normal"--the setting on a clothes dryer. What's normal for one is not normal for others.
    3. Remember/commit this scripture to memory from Romans 15:13
    "He will restore hope, courage, perseverance, and joy to the one who has suffered a life of brokeness."

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  2. Very insightful! Hope it feels better to get this off your chest. Thinking of you!

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