Somedays

Most days I look at my amazing family and my heart overflows with joy.  I couldn't ask for a better husband or father than Marc.  Marleigh has such a sweet spirit. I could never have imagined how much happiness a little girl could bring to our family.  I feel the precious little boy growing in my tummy kicking and I smile, imagining what it will be like to hold him for the first time.  But somedays, I can't help but focus on the fact that one very important person in our family is missing. That our family will never be whole here on earth.

Most days I realize how lucky we are that Marleigh is a normal, healthy 2 year old.   The Lord has richly blessed us.  To see her running, talking, and laughing makes me smile.  But somedays, I can't help but wonder what her sister would be like.  Would Natalie look like Marleigh?  What would Natalie's personality be like?  How would Marleigh and Natalie interact together?

Most days I am so very thankful for the time that we had with Natalie.  I realize and accept that God had a specific purpose for her life, and am grateful that it included me being her mother.  But somedays, I can't help but feel cheated that I only got to know her for 27 days. 

Most days I am happy.  I feel comfort knowing that Natalie is in heaven.  I know that I will be reunited with her.  But somedays, my heart aches.  The deep ache that puts a lump in your throat.  I can't help but feel sadness and am emptiness inside. 

Yesterday, was the grand opening of the splash pad and one of those "somedays".  I tried to keep myself busy, because I knew if I had a moment of quiet to think by myself, the tears would start flowing and I wouldn't be able to get them to stop.  While I was excited to see the kids play at the splash pad, and see the awesome memorial to our daughter, it brought up many other emotions as well. 

I know that I will never get over losing Natalie.  I will never be normal again.  However, with the strength and comfort of the Lord, I am finding that my "somedays"  aren't near as frequent as they used to be.