Natalie's last couple of days

I had sent this email to a couple of friends shortly after we lost Natalie. The last few days it has really been on my mind. I realized that so many of you invested so much emotionally in our lives, yet we hadn't shared with you her whole story. Here it is.

February 18th started out like any other day for us. We got up, ate breakfast, and headed over to see our sweet babies. Usually, we would hold them in the morning during their feedings. Daddy would hold one of them, and I would hold the other. Looking back, I realize how much I cherish those memories. We’d talk back and forth. We’d joke with the nurses. Sometimes we would just sit and listen to them breathing. That morning, both of the girls were supposed to get blood transfusions, which is very common with preemies. Since they were getting the transfusions, we had to wait to hold them until their afternoon feeding at 4:00. I had finished holding Marleigh (I started before Daddy did), and was standing watching a very proud Daddy hold his little girl. That’s when Natalie started crying. We tried to calm her, but she kept crying. It was a painful cry. We knew that our poor little girl was hurting. It was breaking my heart. Before long, I was crying as well.

A few minutes later, the doctor on call came over. Dr. Dorn examined her and couldn’t find anything wrong. He suggested that maybe she was constipated & ordered an X-ray to investigate. The first X-ray confirmed her bowels were full of stool. He also mentioned that it was a little suspicious for something called NEC. But, our sweet girl wasn’t showing any of the normal symptoms. He decided to give her a suppository and some morphine for the pain. We waited with her in agony. I was praying nonstop. She wasn’t crying anymore, but we still knew she was hurting. Two hours later, another X-ray. This X-ray confirmed that it was in fact NEC. Dr. Dorn explained that if we could make if 48 hours without her bowel perforating, she would be okay. 48 hours would give the antibiotics enough time to work. So we waited some more. Two hours later, came another X-ray. It was our worst nightmare. Her bowel had perforated. I can see it so clearly in my head. I screamed, “Dear God, no. No, no, no, no….” Within minutes, the pediatric surgeon, Dr. Knight, was speaking with us. He was very pessimistic about Natalie’s prognosis. He thought that he might open her up to find a lot of dead bowel. If that was the case, there would be nothing he could do. A few moments later, they were taking our tiny little baby into surgery. About an hour later, the doctor came back. He was shocked to find that he only had to remove a relatively small part of her bowel. He was now very optimistic. Dr. Dorn cried tears of joy with us. Dr. Knight said that Natalie would be fine.

We sat with her for another hour after surgery. By now it was 6am. We were emotionally and physically exhausted. She was doing well and the doctor told us to go get some rest. We left for 3 hours to sleep. I now feel so guilty for leaving her alone for even a minute.

Arriving back to Natalie’s bedside, we knew things weren’t good. Her little tummy was all a deep purple. A doctor was stationed by her bed. Mina, one of our favorite nurses, was constantly working on her. For some reason, Natalie’s blood wasn’t clotting and her blood was very acidic. Her little heart was racing. However, her lungs were doing incredibly well. She was still breathing on her own. I tried so hard to be strong. I cupped one hand around her head & the other around her feet. I fought back tears, and sang to my precious baby. For some reason, the only songs that came to mind were Jesus Loves Me and Amazing Grace. I sang them over and over for a few hours. I kept praying, kept telling Daddy that everything was going to be okay. That our little girl was strong. She was a fighter. Every hour they would test her pH levels and every hour we would hope for a miracle. Each test came back worse than before. About 2:00, her sweet eyes opened. She looked right at us for a few minutes. It killed me to not be able to do something for my baby. I was her mother, yet there was nothing I could do. Around 3:00, Daddy left for a few minutes to update our family. I will never forget the next few minutes. While he was gone, another blood gas came back even worse. I asked Mina, “am I watching my daughter die?” With tear filled eyes, she said, “yes.” They continued to try everything in their power for the next few hours. Mina worked so hard. Finally Natalie's heart rate that had raced all day started coming down. We were praying it would level off at a normal rate. However, it continued to fall. Her little heart, was exhausted. As it dropped below 100, they asked if I would like to hold her for her final minutes. Selfishly, at first I said no. I didn’t want that to be my last memory of my beautiful daughter. Then I thought of her. I wanted her to know Mommy was here and that Mommy loved her so much. They placed her in my arms. By this time, the ventilator was breathing for her. Out of love for our daughter, we asked that they turn the ventilator off. The next few seconds were the worst of my life. I was crying and telling her not to be scared and how much I loved her. My sweet baby left my arms and went into the arms of our Heavenly Father.

I am so honored to say that I was Natalie Grace’s mother. She was so strong, and fought with every fiber of her being. I am so proud of her. I was so blessed for the time she was in my life. I am so very thankful that Marc and I spent every day with her. We got to know her sweet spirit so well in those short 27 days. She may have only been here on earth for a brief moment, but she will forever be in our hearts.