Friday, February 5, 2010
Daily struggles
Everyone has their cross to bear. All of us struggle with something daily. Lately, I have been really struggling with guilt. Since the one year anniversary of when I went into preterm labor, I have been battling guilt. While I know in my head that I did everything I could to keep my daughters safe & healthy, I know in my heart that it was my body that delivered them too early. It was my body that betrayed me & hurt the two people I love most in the world. My body failed my beautiful girls. If only my body would have cooperated, I would have both of my daughters. Because of me, Marleigh had to fight so hard to live. She had to go through so many tests & procedures. She had to fight nasty infections. Because of me, our sweet Natalie is now an angel. I can't describe how horrible that feels. How do I explain to Marleigh someday that it was Mommy's body that caused all this? I have prayed for peace, but can't seem to work through the guilt. Then, I begin to feel guilty for wallowing in my self pity. I look at my little miracle & feel guilty for feeling guilty & being sad. I have so many blessings to be thankful for. There are others that have dealt with so much more than I have. I know in time, with His help, I will find peace.
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You don't know me, I am Dawn Bass' husband's aunt (got that). She told me about the birth of your beautiful baby girls one day and got me hooked on your blog and I have been reading and praying for your family since.
ReplyDeleteAs I read your post I was so touched by your honesty and your feelings. My daughter too had twins and lost one at six weeks. That was three years ago and it still feels like yesterday. We still cry, laugh and wonder why us. She says I just hope one day I'll understand and I think understand what? That God is bigger than us, that He gives us all different roads to travel, that He loves you so much you were chosen to be the mother of twins and then He decides to take one back home before we were ready to give him to you. I do understand that when you look into the eyes of a micro-preemie baby at less than 2 lbs, you have looked into the face of Jesus Himself. I do understand not everyone has the opportunity to be a part of that kind of miracle and I do understand that you, along with my daughter, are very special people who God loves very much to have chosen to carry this burden and joy all at the same time.
With each day, each month and each year that passes your guilt will do the same.
It's interesting how one's life can be so drastically changed in a moment and in the next moment everyone else seems to just go back to their normal routine and yours never returns to "normal," you have a "new normal."
I pray that the Lord will heal your heart, fill it with comfort and His peace that passes all understanding. Know that your story has touched many many people's lives and most you will never hear about. There is a purpose to all this pain. I can hear our little Noah Michael in heaven giggling with your little Natalie Grace right now. You take care of yourself Sarah and I will still be checking in to see how Marleigh is growing. She's way ahead of our Nate, he's three years old and weighs 24 lbs.
Barbara Bass
Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry. I think of you, Marc, and little miss Marleigh so often and wonder how your days are going. I can't even imagine the hurt of your hearts, my heart hurts with you when I read your struggles. When you post such things I so wish for you a hug of peace from God. I do have to say though when you post your many joys, it truly warms my heart and makes me smile. I continue to share your story and the people I share it with are amazed by you and Marc. No advice from me. I have no idea what you are going through. Know that your family is loved so very much. I'll continue my prayers for you guys.
ReplyDeleteYour words are such a reflection of what I felt when I had Laney. I know my experience was totally different than what you had to go through, but I understand those feelings of guilt. Doctors, friends, and family all told me there was nothing else I could do, but I still felt the guilt of not doing my one job....carrying a healthy, full-term pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteKnow that I'll be thinking of you and praying for you in this bittersweet time....celebrating Marleigh's achievements, but still mourning for your sweet angel, Natalie.