A few days ago, Pastor Ryan asked, "Why do you pray?" For some reason, I couldn't get this off of my mind last night. I laid in bed for over 2 hours mulling this over in my head. Not only, why but how.
When I was younger, my prayers were pretty much one sided conversations, and pretty much about one subject. Mostly, "I, I, I...me, me, me...please give me...be with..... blah, blah, blah," then a quick, "thanks and forgive me" at the end. Prayer = talking to God. I talked to God frequently. If I had a good prayer life, I was good with God, right?
I have had so much time to think, and pray the last 3 years. One of my biggest revelations? Prayer = communicating with God. Communicating is a 2 way street. Yes, there should be talking on my part, but there should also be plenty of time spent in prayer, listening. Being still and hearing God as He speaks to me. How in the world was I following God's purpose for my life if I spent all the time talking and not listening to Him? Recently, my most special moments with the Lord have been when I was quiet. Listening with my heart, and feeling His presence. By truly hearing God, I am able to talk to Him so much better.
A lot of times, thanking God and asking for forgiveness used to be somewhat monotonous. Go through the motions, say the words. Kind of like a "talk to you later, bye" at then end of a phone conversation. Once I started slowing down, I realized how important the condition of my heart was when I thanked Him and begged for His gracious forgiveness. It is not just about saying the words. Anyone can say the words. It is the true spirit in which they are said.
Revelation #2. I had not been what I call, "Praying in Faith". I was trying to plead with God to get my own agenda accomplished. As I have said before, when I was in preterm labor, and when Natalie was sick, I tried bargaining with God. If he would only grant me my request, I would do ANYTHING. "Praying in Faith" is 100% giving up your personal agenda. Having enough faith in God to KNOW that His plan is much greater than my own personal wants. To KNOW that even if it may cause me the worst pain imaginable, God loves me and has a specific purpose, which is greater than anything I can comprehend. I look back and would do so many things different. If I had a chance to do it over again, I think my prayer when Natalie was sick would go something like this:
Dear God,
I come to You heartbroken. This sweet, little girl that You have so generously given to us is in a tremendous amount of pain. Lord, You entrusted me to be her mother here on Earth, but she is Your child. I now lay Natalie at Your feet, and pray that Your will be done. Whether it be here on this Earth, or in her Eternal life in heaven, please take her pain. Restore her body. I trust in You, Lord. I have faith in You. Father, Your will be done. Amen.
Don't get me wrong, I don't have hours on end to sit in prayer. I live in the real world. Kids to take care of, house to clean, job, etc. I have learned to take my quiet time with the Lord when I can get it. Often, it is the 15 minute drive to pick up the kids after work. I'll turn off the radio and communicate with God. It is still far from perfect, but my prayer life is evolving. Growing more and more, because of my children. Like any parent, I love my kids, but I am awestruck, at how God has used them to work wonders in my life and relationship with Him. I am so very humbled, that He has blessed us with these 3 little people. What an extraordinary gift they are.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Marleigh's first KSU basketball game
A few weeks ago, Marc asked what I thought about taking Marleigh to a K-State basketball game. We decided to give it a try. When we watch them on TV at home, she cheers and claps. Saturday morning, we sent Bubba out to Papa and Gigi's and took Sissy to her first ever game. To say she was a little excited is an understatement. She was such a good girl the entire trip. Well, except for eating lunch. We were in the Legends room at Bramlage and it overlooks the football stadium. Way too many things to see to eat! As soon as we walked in to the game, Marleigh looked around and said, "THIS. IS. AWESOME!!!" She actually watched most of the game. We bought her a pom pom, and she'd shake it and yell "Go Cats!"
We stopped by Aunt Myra's before the game. We were able to see Aunt Myra, Aunt Marinda, and Uncle Dave, so that was an added bonus. Marleigh had a great time. I think we have a future K-Stater, already!
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| Have you ever seen the episode of "Friends" where Chandler and Monica are trying to get engagement pictures? Chandler always makes a face in EVERY picture. Well, it is comparable to Marleigh's "Cheeeeeeese" face. :) |
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| Marleigh with Auntie Myra. |
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| Aunt Rina |
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| Chillin' with Uncle Dave. |
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| She's got her powercat stickers on and ready for the game! |
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| Marleigh looked out the window and said, "I want to go, THERE!" Daddy told her she could go to a game next fall. |
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Just clownin' around
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| My handsome, blue eyed baby! |
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| Happy guy! |
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| Sitting on Daddy's shoulders. The ONLY way to get a picture of Marleigh lately is to catch her in action. She will NOT pose for pictures for some reason. |
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| Had a "farm accident". Tractor is on it's side and the disk is turned over! |
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| How can you not just love that face? |
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
A day in the life of a NICU Mom
(I started this on Ground Hog Day. Work has been busy, so I haven't had time to finish it until now. So, for the sake of arguments, pretend today is still Ground Hog Day.)
~~
With it being Ground Hog Day, it reminded me of something Marc said during our 75 day NICU stay. He said every day was basically reliving the same day over and over. Have you ever seen the movie Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray? Sort of like that. No weekends, no holidays, no vacation, basically the same day over and over. Here is what that day consisted of.
I'd be laying in a bed awake before the alarm would even go off. Maybe because it was a strange bed. Perhaps it was because it was an uncomfortable, little twin bed. It could have been that I was in a strange room with different sounds than I was used to. Or the fact that I wasn't laying in bed next to my husband. Quite possibly, there could have been a loud ambulance, helicopter, fire truck, police car, or all of the above that had already woke me up. Then there was also the blatantly obvious: my children were in the hospital so small and fragile.
We would get up and take turns showering in our tiny little room, and head downstairs. After eating breakfast, we would do our daily chore that was required of us to stay at the Ronald McDonald house, then off to the hospital.
Once arriving at the hospital, we would scrub our hands and arms and wait for someone to let us into the NICU. It almost made you feel like a grade school kid asking permission to go use the restroom. We would just stand at the doors until we had the okay, and they opened the doors.
We'd make our way back to our girls. After saying a quick hello to them, through the incubator plastic of course, I'd talk with the nurse about how their night went, then read through their charts. Most days we were there early enough to talk with the doctors as they rounded on the girls. In the first few days, some of the terms were unknown, but there is a quick learning curve in the NICU.
Then we would get our girls ready for their next feedings, after we were given permission. We would wash up (again) and take their temperatures, and change their tiny little diapers. Most days (thank God) the girls were doing well enough that we were able to hold them skin to skin for their two hour feedings. The nurse would help us get them out of their incubators, being so cautious with IV's, vent tubes, and wires to the leads on the monitors. The placement of the girls on our chests was important, as well. If their airway was kinked or condensation from the vent was swallowed, they would desat and have an apnea or brady. Then there was also the random desatting at times. Some days, their little bodies couldn't handle being held the full two hours, so we would have to return them to their beds, and simply place a hand on them through the incubator.
Once Marleigh and Natalie were back in their beds, we would talk to them, or read to them or sing to them for about an hour. Then we'd take their temp, change their diapers and get them ready for the next feeding. When that feeding would start, we'd head out to grab a quick lunch. After lunch, we'd usually take an hour or two to work or get caught up on phone calls, text messages and emails.
We returned to the NICU to spend more time with our girls. We'd do the temp, diaper routine again before their next feeding. Then we would sit next to their incubator and read or talk to them. We'd spend a few hours with them. We would help the nurses change their bedding. Once Marleigh was older, I would change her clothes. This was my favorite part of the day. I actually felt like I was somewhat caring for my baby.
Next, was my least favorite part of the day. We would read our last book, "I'll See You in the Morning" and leave for the night. As a mother, you have that inherent instinct to take care of and nurture your child. When your child is in the NICU, you have to entrust a stranger with the care of the person you love most in the world. I know that they are all well trained, but the first few days, before we really got to know the nurses or doctors, it was extremely tough to leave the girls.
We would then run and grab a quick bite, and head back to Ronnie Mac. There was a kitchen at the Ronald McDonald house, but we never wanted time to cook a meal, eat, and clean it up. Once there, we would go back to our little 10 X 12 room. There was no food or drink allowed in the room. They didn't have TV's in the bedrooms. That comfort of going to the fridge, grabbing a snack, and plopping down on the couch to watch TV was non-existent. We'd return a few more phone calls or emails and try to sleep.
Generally, just as I was about to nod off, my alarm would go off and I would have to get up to pump. (I pumped every 3 hours, 24 hours a day. Basically 4 hours of every day were spent pumping.) When I was done pumping, then I would fumble around to find the keys to the breastmilk freezer that was in the basement of the house, and trek down 2 flights of stairs, and stash away my precious commodity. Then get back upstairs and wash up all the pump stuff so that in a little over 2 hours, I could pump again. Usually, at least once, I would call over to the hospital to check on the girls. The nights when they had to be reintubated, were ecspecially rough. I really didn't sleep much on those nights.
And that was it. Day in and day out. There were some variations, but that was our routine. I guarantee, though, that there was a lot more stress that what it seems. Always a different lab being drawn on the girls, a blood transfusion, not tolerating a feeding, etc.
I spent basically 24 hours a day, for 75 days with Marc. There was never really any alone time. No time for relaxing. The miraculous thing is that even spending every waking second with Marc, and all the stress, we NEVER once had a disagreement or argument. Trust me, spending that much time with ANY person, no matter how much you love them, under different circumstances would for sure result in disagreements or annoyances.
At the time, we couldn't see anything other than one thing: our girls needed us. They were our sole focus. It's like God had put blinders on us for that time. We had no choice. We did what we had to for our children. We were lucky. 75 days may sound like a long time, but Marleigh came home 3 weeks ahead of her due date. Many other babies are there 100 days or more.
Three years later, I do not miss our 75 days of Ground Hog Day. Not one bit. But those 75 days have made me grateful for so many things. Grateful to have a God that's strength and comfort can help us through the worst life has to offer. Grateful to have had such amazing NICU "family" in the doctors and nurses. Grateful to have such an incredible husband by my side. Grateful for family and friends that reached out and supported us emotionally, spiritually and financially. Grateful to be home. Grateful for all 3 of my children.
~~
With it being Ground Hog Day, it reminded me of something Marc said during our 75 day NICU stay. He said every day was basically reliving the same day over and over. Have you ever seen the movie Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray? Sort of like that. No weekends, no holidays, no vacation, basically the same day over and over. Here is what that day consisted of.
I'd be laying in a bed awake before the alarm would even go off. Maybe because it was a strange bed. Perhaps it was because it was an uncomfortable, little twin bed. It could have been that I was in a strange room with different sounds than I was used to. Or the fact that I wasn't laying in bed next to my husband. Quite possibly, there could have been a loud ambulance, helicopter, fire truck, police car, or all of the above that had already woke me up. Then there was also the blatantly obvious: my children were in the hospital so small and fragile.
We would get up and take turns showering in our tiny little room, and head downstairs. After eating breakfast, we would do our daily chore that was required of us to stay at the Ronald McDonald house, then off to the hospital.
Once arriving at the hospital, we would scrub our hands and arms and wait for someone to let us into the NICU. It almost made you feel like a grade school kid asking permission to go use the restroom. We would just stand at the doors until we had the okay, and they opened the doors.
We'd make our way back to our girls. After saying a quick hello to them, through the incubator plastic of course, I'd talk with the nurse about how their night went, then read through their charts. Most days we were there early enough to talk with the doctors as they rounded on the girls. In the first few days, some of the terms were unknown, but there is a quick learning curve in the NICU.
Then we would get our girls ready for their next feedings, after we were given permission. We would wash up (again) and take their temperatures, and change their tiny little diapers. Most days (thank God) the girls were doing well enough that we were able to hold them skin to skin for their two hour feedings. The nurse would help us get them out of their incubators, being so cautious with IV's, vent tubes, and wires to the leads on the monitors. The placement of the girls on our chests was important, as well. If their airway was kinked or condensation from the vent was swallowed, they would desat and have an apnea or brady. Then there was also the random desatting at times. Some days, their little bodies couldn't handle being held the full two hours, so we would have to return them to their beds, and simply place a hand on them through the incubator.
Once Marleigh and Natalie were back in their beds, we would talk to them, or read to them or sing to them for about an hour. Then we'd take their temp, change their diapers and get them ready for the next feeding. When that feeding would start, we'd head out to grab a quick lunch. After lunch, we'd usually take an hour or two to work or get caught up on phone calls, text messages and emails.
We returned to the NICU to spend more time with our girls. We'd do the temp, diaper routine again before their next feeding. Then we would sit next to their incubator and read or talk to them. We'd spend a few hours with them. We would help the nurses change their bedding. Once Marleigh was older, I would change her clothes. This was my favorite part of the day. I actually felt like I was somewhat caring for my baby.
Next, was my least favorite part of the day. We would read our last book, "I'll See You in the Morning" and leave for the night. As a mother, you have that inherent instinct to take care of and nurture your child. When your child is in the NICU, you have to entrust a stranger with the care of the person you love most in the world. I know that they are all well trained, but the first few days, before we really got to know the nurses or doctors, it was extremely tough to leave the girls.
We would then run and grab a quick bite, and head back to Ronnie Mac. There was a kitchen at the Ronald McDonald house, but we never wanted time to cook a meal, eat, and clean it up. Once there, we would go back to our little 10 X 12 room. There was no food or drink allowed in the room. They didn't have TV's in the bedrooms. That comfort of going to the fridge, grabbing a snack, and plopping down on the couch to watch TV was non-existent. We'd return a few more phone calls or emails and try to sleep.
Generally, just as I was about to nod off, my alarm would go off and I would have to get up to pump. (I pumped every 3 hours, 24 hours a day. Basically 4 hours of every day were spent pumping.) When I was done pumping, then I would fumble around to find the keys to the breastmilk freezer that was in the basement of the house, and trek down 2 flights of stairs, and stash away my precious commodity. Then get back upstairs and wash up all the pump stuff so that in a little over 2 hours, I could pump again. Usually, at least once, I would call over to the hospital to check on the girls. The nights when they had to be reintubated, were ecspecially rough. I really didn't sleep much on those nights.
And that was it. Day in and day out. There were some variations, but that was our routine. I guarantee, though, that there was a lot more stress that what it seems. Always a different lab being drawn on the girls, a blood transfusion, not tolerating a feeding, etc.
I spent basically 24 hours a day, for 75 days with Marc. There was never really any alone time. No time for relaxing. The miraculous thing is that even spending every waking second with Marc, and all the stress, we NEVER once had a disagreement or argument. Trust me, spending that much time with ANY person, no matter how much you love them, under different circumstances would for sure result in disagreements or annoyances.
At the time, we couldn't see anything other than one thing: our girls needed us. They were our sole focus. It's like God had put blinders on us for that time. We had no choice. We did what we had to for our children. We were lucky. 75 days may sound like a long time, but Marleigh came home 3 weeks ahead of her due date. Many other babies are there 100 days or more.
Three years later, I do not miss our 75 days of Ground Hog Day. Not one bit. But those 75 days have made me grateful for so many things. Grateful to have a God that's strength and comfort can help us through the worst life has to offer. Grateful to have had such amazing NICU "family" in the doctors and nurses. Grateful to have such an incredible husband by my side. Grateful for family and friends that reached out and supported us emotionally, spiritually and financially. Grateful to be home. Grateful for all 3 of my children.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Random Thoughts About Miscellaneous Pictures
Have I mentioned that Kade is almost as big as his big sissy? Her face says, it all... "Uh... Mom... he's really heavy!!!"
"Seriously, Mom... he's crushing me!!!"
And have I mentioned how much Kade loves his big sissy? You can totally tell he adores her in this picture!
Such a great picture of Daddy and Marleigh.
While I'm "mentioning" things... Marleigh has the most gorgeous blond curls! Look how long her hair is getting! We're able to rock big girl pony tails and big girl piggy tails now! :)
A few years ago, the picture below would have never found its way onto the blog because of all the clutter in the background. I now realize that, hey, we have two little kids and we like to play and have fun, so our house is a mess most of time! Speaking of fun... this little guy is such a happy fellow. He is so close to crawling! Notice the white ring around his mouth. He had taken some medicine and it must not have been all gone before he found his binkie. This was the result. Love that grin and those chubby cheeks!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Long time, no blog!
The last few weeks have been tiring!!!
Starting in early January, Kade began not sleeping very well. He used to stir every now and again, but would put himself back to sleep with no crying at all. He started waking up multiple times, and he would seem almost breathless. He was never wheezing or snotty nosed, just seemed to be working hard to breathe. We started by having him sleep inclined. That helped a bit. He progressively got worse. As soon as he was upright, he would breathe easier, settle down, and fall right back asleep. It finally got bad enough that he would only sleep in his car seat. If we left him in his bed, he was up every 45 minutes or so. We visited the doctor and she thought it could be one of three things.
1. He had silent reflux that was causing him problems when he was laying flat. Decided to start reflux meds as she said it wouldn't hurt him. I really doubted this was what was causing it, because he is such a great eater, and had no other symptoms, but was willing to try anything.
2. Since Marleigh had a VSD, he was at an increased risk of a heart defect. She didn't hear a heart murmur, but said, sometimes you can't diagnose it without an echocardiogram. Just to be safe, they wanted us to get him checked out by Dr. Allen, who was Marleigh's pediatric cardiologist. IF it was something cardiovascular, leaving it untreated could cause permanent damage.
3. His asthma wasn't under control or he had allergies. (This was my guess.) Although, he really wasn't snotty nosed or anything, she said it could possibly be allergies. The doctor suggested the ruling out the first two, first.
Well, that was Monday of last week. By Thursday night, Kade wasn't sleeping in his car seat, either. He was up every 30-45 minutes. It was obvious something wasn't right. My gut just kept telling me it was allergies, so we made another trip back to the pediatrician on Friday. She decided to put Kade on Zyrtec and some nasal spray. He slept a glorious 12 hours in his bed Friday night! We had repeat performances Saturday and Sunday night.
Once we figured out what was wrong, we cancelled the cardiologist appointment. We decided that since she never heard a heart murmur and there were no longer any symptoms, it didn't make sense to take him clear to Wichita.
I am so glad we got the little guy figured out! He is well rested again, and so is his mama! I'm not going to lie, I was getting a little cranky from lack of sleep!
~~
Work for me has been crazy! January we rush around trying to get all the 1099's and W2's completed for all of our clients. It takes some late nights, but we always manage to get them done. After the kids would go to sleep, I'd head back down to the office and work a few more hours. I felt bad for the other two women I work with. They averaged 10-12 hours a day! I was lucky enough to be able to take a break, play with my kids, get them fed, bathed, and to bed.
The last week of January, Marc had to be gone to Denver all week for work. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it when he is home. He makes the evenings so much easier!
Hopefully things will start returning to "normal" whatever that is! :)
Starting in early January, Kade began not sleeping very well. He used to stir every now and again, but would put himself back to sleep with no crying at all. He started waking up multiple times, and he would seem almost breathless. He was never wheezing or snotty nosed, just seemed to be working hard to breathe. We started by having him sleep inclined. That helped a bit. He progressively got worse. As soon as he was upright, he would breathe easier, settle down, and fall right back asleep. It finally got bad enough that he would only sleep in his car seat. If we left him in his bed, he was up every 45 minutes or so. We visited the doctor and she thought it could be one of three things.
1. He had silent reflux that was causing him problems when he was laying flat. Decided to start reflux meds as she said it wouldn't hurt him. I really doubted this was what was causing it, because he is such a great eater, and had no other symptoms, but was willing to try anything.
2. Since Marleigh had a VSD, he was at an increased risk of a heart defect. She didn't hear a heart murmur, but said, sometimes you can't diagnose it without an echocardiogram. Just to be safe, they wanted us to get him checked out by Dr. Allen, who was Marleigh's pediatric cardiologist. IF it was something cardiovascular, leaving it untreated could cause permanent damage.
3. His asthma wasn't under control or he had allergies. (This was my guess.) Although, he really wasn't snotty nosed or anything, she said it could possibly be allergies. The doctor suggested the ruling out the first two, first.
Well, that was Monday of last week. By Thursday night, Kade wasn't sleeping in his car seat, either. He was up every 30-45 minutes. It was obvious something wasn't right. My gut just kept telling me it was allergies, so we made another trip back to the pediatrician on Friday. She decided to put Kade on Zyrtec and some nasal spray. He slept a glorious 12 hours in his bed Friday night! We had repeat performances Saturday and Sunday night.
Once we figured out what was wrong, we cancelled the cardiologist appointment. We decided that since she never heard a heart murmur and there were no longer any symptoms, it didn't make sense to take him clear to Wichita.
I am so glad we got the little guy figured out! He is well rested again, and so is his mama! I'm not going to lie, I was getting a little cranky from lack of sleep!
~~
Work for me has been crazy! January we rush around trying to get all the 1099's and W2's completed for all of our clients. It takes some late nights, but we always manage to get them done. After the kids would go to sleep, I'd head back down to the office and work a few more hours. I felt bad for the other two women I work with. They averaged 10-12 hours a day! I was lucky enough to be able to take a break, play with my kids, get them fed, bathed, and to bed.
The last week of January, Marc had to be gone to Denver all week for work. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it when he is home. He makes the evenings so much easier!
Hopefully things will start returning to "normal" whatever that is! :)
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