Letting Go, but Holding On

Ever since Marleigh started walking, when we were out somewhere in public, her little hand always just found mine.  It was automatic.  I'd get her out of her car seat, and without really knowing who reached for who, her hand was in mine.  To be honest, I had never really thought much about it at all, until last week.

One day last week, I was dropping Marleigh off at preschool.  We were chatting about what her letter was for the week.  I put the car in park, and got her out of the car.  As I was shutting the door, I reached for her hand.  She ran ahead, yelling over her shoulder, "Mom, I don't need to hold your hand!!!"

Whoa.  I stopped dead in my tracks.  My ears heard what she said, but my heart heard, "Mom, I don't need you!"  Ouch.  Marleigh has always been so shy and dependent.  She has been the one that sticks close by, never venturing too far from me.  With all that she has been through, I have always been right beside her, trying to help her or protect her.  Looking back, I probably held on a little too tight.  But at the time, all I knew was the tremendous pain and struggles she had at such an early age.  I had felt so helpless then.   Much the same as I felt in that moment when she said, "Mom, I don't need to hold your hand!!!"

Marleigh noticed I had stopped behind her, just as she was reaching for the door.  (That in itself is HUGE for her.  She normally waits for me to open any door.)  She hollered to me, "Come on, Mom!" I quickly followed her in,  we hugged and said our goodbyes just like we do every morning.  Obviously, she had not thought twice about not holding my hand.  I was so shocked and proud of her.

 The past year or so, we have been making a real effort with Marleigh.  We've been fostering confidence and independence. There has been plenty of bumps on our road to independence. She still refuses to ride a bike, because it is "Just. Too. Hard."   Numerous times, she's gotten frustrated or hurt and came running, but we have tried to keep encouraging her to do things on her own.  It has been hard both for her and for me.  Marc has had to remind me often to let her do things for herself.  It is a work in progress.  But there is progress.  She doesn't need my hand anymore.

So precious girl, I am letting go of your hand, but holding on forever with my heart.  You may not need me the way you used to, but I will always be here with my hand out, just in case.  I love you so much!