A few nights ago...

After feeding Kade a few nights ago, I crawled back into bed around 2:30.  I had a rather strange experience.  I don't feel like I was totally awake, yet I wasn't asleep.  Memory after memory replayed in my mind.  It was more like I was reliving each one.  All of them were having to do with our kids and were very vivid and detailed.  As soon as one would start to fade, another would start.  They were completely random.

The first memory was the moment I heard Kade gasp as he was being born.  Nervously, I asked, "Is he okay?  Is he okay?"  The doctor said he was perfect.  A tear rolled down my cheek, then I heard a nurse say, "He has to be at least an eight and a half pounder!"

Another one was standing over Natalie's incubator anxiously on Valentine's Day when she breathed completely on her own for over two hours.  I was in complete awe of our little girl being so strong! 

Then there was the day we had our first ultrasound when I was pregnant with the girls.  The doctor wasn't even looking at the screen yet, and I saw what looked like to be to be two babies!  Once the doctor confirmed it, we were thrilled!

The day we got the call that Marleigh would need a spinal tap.  We were sitting at Texas Roadhouse for lunch and had just ordered.  We immediately left.  We were completely terrified. 

After we lost Natalie, I had nothing that fit to wear for her funeral.  We went to Dillards to try to find something for me to wear.  After a few minutes, I had a complete breakdown.  I was standing there crying because I shouldn't be having to shop for something to wear to my daughter's funeral.  I was crying because nothing seemed to be quite right. 

Just the other day, I had the kids in Marleigh's room.  She was dancing around to music and her little brother was laughing out loud at her.  I mean, he was belly laughing.  It was priceless. 

Marleigh's first birthday was the day that she finally was able to sit up on her own for the first time.  We were in the living room of our old house.  I was SO proud of her. 

Shortly after we brought Kade home (before he REALLY started to pack on the pounds), he was sleeping in the living room.  He looked so much like Natalie at that particular moment that it gave me goosebumps.

There were many, many more memories.  Some were happy and some weren't.  It went on for over three hours.  I'm not really sure what to make of it.  I felt like I was somewhere between awake and asleep.  As the memories wound down, I felt an immense peace and my heart was content.  Maybe it was a part of the grieving process.  Maybe it was part of the healing process.  Both are ongoing processes that will continue for the rest of my life.  Whatever it was, I am thankful for it.  God always knows just what our hearts need.